Imagine you are sitting down with your friends to play a new board game. Imagine that they hand out some cards, a pair of dice and some plastic place holders.
What is the first question you would ask them?
I am guessing that it would be something like; “How do we play? What are the rules?”
There is no point in playing a game if you do not know “the rules”. First we must agree on a set guideline of conduct, the “rules”. Just like in any sport. Imagine if there were no rules during any type of match. I am not sure that would be fun either playing or watching it.
“Rules” are important, just like keeping score is. To continue with the sport analogy, imagine nobody kept score, would the match be as exciting? I am not sure. The fun is winning! (And, as they say “Whoever said that winning is not important, probably lost.”) I am not so sure that the Olympic Games would be so popular if no medals were given out.
It is the same in life. Think about it, how do you know if you are happy with your life, your job, your partner and so on? You probably have some expectations (probably at an unconscious level) about what feeling good (read winning) is like in each area. To be happy or unhappy, you must have some expectations that have been either met or not.
Your rules! And they usually go something like this:
“If…….., then……….” Let me give you some examples and see if you can relate.
“If I get a promotion, then I am successful.”
“If you call me often, then you love me.”
“If I make ‘X’ amount of $, then people will respect me.”
“If I buy a new car, then people will envy me.”
Of course, this also works in the negative.
“If you don’t call me every day, then you don’t love me.”
“If I don’t get a promotion, then I am a failure.”
“If I don’t make X amount of $, then people won’t respect me.”
“If I don’t buy a new car, then people will think I can’t afford it.”
The interesting part is that we all have these unwritten “rules” about what is important to us. The unfortunate thing is that:
- Most of the time we do not even know what they are.
- Even if we know what they are, we do not communicate them to people that should know them.
- We usually do not stop and assess if these rules are serving us or not.
Your “rules” are just your beliefs about what need to happen for you to feel good or stopping feeling bad.
“What must happen for you to feel good? To be happy?”
Stop for a moment and give some consideration to this question, because the answer you give is very important.
And after you have your given your answer, (and I do hope that you did take the time to do so) ask yourself “and when did I decided that?”
You see, often we create our rules early on in life, often unconsciously. Then we spend most of our mature life trying to win a game that maybe we are not been interested in anymore.
Often we measure what we have achieved based on other people’s expectations of us. Like our parents, our school, our friends, our partner, etc. At other times we want to “win” in a certain way to prove something to someone, and often is not ourselves.
Do you know what your “rules” are? Do you know what you believe that has to happen for you to feel good or stopping feeling bad?
Only once you know what rules you are playing by you have a chance to “win”. And by knowing your rules, you have the opportunity to share them with others, so that they can also “win” in their relationship with you.
If you would like to start discovering your beliefs about what needs to happen for you to feel good, you may contact us for a one on one session, or you can download your free Belief Buster Worbook here.